P. G. Wodehouse Quotes

I couldn't have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking alo...

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unl...

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custar...

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if h...

All political meetings are very much alike. Somebody gets up and introduces the speaker of the eveni...

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

Stimulated by the juice, I believe, men have even been known to ride alligators.

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m tel...

It isn't often that Aunt Dahlia lets her angry passions rise, but when she does, strong men climb tr...

If girls realized their responsibilities they would be so careful when they smiled that they would p...

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawin...

This is peculiarly an age in which each of us may, if he do but search diligently, find the literatu...

Lady Constance's lips tightened, and a moment passed during which it seemed always a fifty-fifty cha...

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to...

Like so many substantial citizens of America, he had married young and kept on marrying, springing f...

I mean, if you're asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving...

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wron...

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

Captain Bradbury's right eyebrow had now become so closely entangled with his left that there seemed...

From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular mess...

I'm bound to say that New York's a topping place to be exiled in. Everybody was awfully good to me, ...

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on m...

I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some...

You see, the catch about portrait painting—I've looked into the thing a bit— is that you can't start...

It's brain," I said; "pure brain! What do you do to get like that, Jeeves? I believe you must eat a ...

What ho!" I said."What ho!" said Motty."What ho! What ho!""What ho! What ho! What ho!"After that it ...

I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get, though admittedly a chump of the premier class.

Come on," he said. "Bring the poker."I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.

It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to b...

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you co...

I felt most awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away and all was as it used to be. I ...

Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard put to it to find sufficient materia...

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The true philosopher is a man who says "All right," and goes to sleep in his armchair.

One of the Georges - I forget which - once said that a certain number of hours' sleep each night - I...

You won't mind my calling you Comrade, will you? I've just become a socialist. It's a great scheme. ...

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and sai...

He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.""He's always tak...

The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.

Have you ever seen a man, woman, or child who wasn’t eating an egg or just going to eat an egg or ju...

If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mi...

It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

You can't go by what a girl says, when she's giving you the devil for making a chump of yourself. It...

It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help b...

When a girl uses six derogatory adjectives in her attempt to paint the portrait of the loved one, it...

I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's alwa...

At a time when she was engaged to Stilton Cheesewright, I remember recording in the archives that sh...

Love is a delicate plant that needs constant tending and nurturing, and this cannot be done by snort...

You probably think that being a guest in your aunt's house I would hesitate to butter you all over t...

She was, in short, melted by his distress, as so often happens with the female sex. Poets have frequ...

The snag in this business of falling in love, aged relative, is that the parties of the first part s...

If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She ...

Excuse me, I must go and putt

Squiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the s...

Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lo...

Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the so...

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

NOW, touching this business of old Jeeves – my man, you know – how do we stand? Lots of people think...

Well, you know, there are limits to the sacred claims of friendship.

Employers are like horses — they require management.

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and ...

The storm is over, there is sunlight in my heart. I have a glass of wine and sit thinking of what ha...

Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through.

What George was thinking was that the late king Herod had been unjustly blamed for a policy which ha...

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bott...

The cells smell is a great feature of French prisons. Ours in No.44 was one of those fine broad-shou...

Luck is a goddess not to be coerced and forcibly wooed by those who seek her favours. From such mast...

Morning, Bill,' said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.'Go to hell!' said Bill.'Right-ho,' said his lordship.

Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to ...

I could still see that Pauline was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met, but of the ancien...

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...""Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves...

She ignored my observation. This generally happens with me. Show me a woman, I sometimes say, and I ...

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a nor...

It went automatically to a heavy-weight mother with beetling eyebrows who looked as if she had just ...

[T]he success of every novel -- if it's a novel of action -- depends on the high spots. The thing to...

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This ...

It was my Uncle George who discovered alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

My Aunt Dahlia, who runs a woman's paper called Milady's Boudoir, had recently backed me into a corn...

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum...

Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance ...

He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-p...

I always advise people never to give advice.

[T]he success of every novel -- if it's a novel of action -- depends on the high spots. The thing to...

I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, ...

The ideal adventurer needs... the quality of not being content to mind his own affairs...

I read the paragraph again. A peculiar feeling it gave me. I don't know if you have ever experienced...

One of the poets, whose name I cannot recall, has a passage, which I am unable at the moment to reme...

The Duke of Dunstable had one-way pockets. He would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan o...

Why do you want a political career? Have you ever been in the House of Commons and taken a good look...

One of the Georges," said Psmith, "I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours' sleep a...

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

...with each new book of mine I have always the feeling that this time I have picked a lemon in the ...

There are situations in life which are beyond one. The sensible man realizes this, and slides out of...

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

He was always in a sort of fever because he was dropping behind schedule with his daily acts of kind...

Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?